Do Newborns Really Have Bad Habits?

When you have a new baby you will find things you read, or people you speak to, warning you about not creating bad habits. Sometimes defined as ‘a rod for your own back’. Mostly these relate to a baby becoming too reliant on you or being too ‘demanding’.

Of course babies don’t work in this way. They might be amazing little creatures but they haven’t quite got the brain power to manipulate you in that way. Their needs are really very simple and are based on their need for survival.

Your baby can’t survive without you. They are relying on you 100% for absolutely everything. So their instinct is to be close to you. All the time. That is hard work and might feel a bit demanding when you really just want to be able to pop them down for a few minutes to have your hands free, eat, go to the bathroom or whatever.

Often the narrative we hear is that you shouldn’t respond to them all the time. If they are fed, dry etc. and still crying then they are fine. If you respond every time they cry they will expect you to. That you are spoiling them. That they need to learn. Maybe even that crying is good for them although I hope the days of ‘strengthening lungs’ by crying are behind us.

When I ask my antenatal classes to think about why a baby might cry the list is pretty long. We start with hunger, wet nappies, being tired, but soon we are talking about being scared, feeling uncomfortable, feeling lonely, being bored or overstimulated, being in pain, being hot or cold. It can be a long list! You don’t always know what your baby is trying to communicate but they need something from you. They might not always know what they need either, just that something isn’t right for them. That means you might not know exactly how to respond but picking them up, speaking soothingly and rocking them probably ticks a lot of boxes (always worth trying to feed first particularly if you are breastfeeding!).

Your baby will feel safest in your arms. You are familiar and they will recognise you heartbeat, your voice, your smell, even the rhythm you walk or pat them with will be familiar from pregnancy. It all helps bond and connect you together but it also means, when your baby needs it, you are their safe space even when they aren’t quite sure what their need is.

In their simple way, being close to you means survival. You feed them, you protect them, you handle all their needs and if they are close to you then they are able to relax because all is well with the world.

Babies are not able to regulate their emotions, this takes time. More like years until they are able to handle the big feelings and manage them; you probably know adults that still haven’t quite got this sorted! But when they are little they need you to be able to regulate their emotions. Being close to you is what they need. Without you they can’t physically or mentally manage the feelings they have.

When babies are left to cry they will stop and will fall asleep, exhausted, but the stress hormones in their body will still be high because they couldn’t deal with it, it was all just exhausting. But being close to your body does help regulate the emotions and genuinely calms them.

When you respond to your baby’s need, whatever it is, they are learning that you are a person they can trust. They know that if they need you, you are there. If you sometimes respond and sometimes leave them, the message is a bit confused. You might come if they need you, but you might not, and they lose a bit of confidence in you. (Note; I am NOT talking about the odd occasions you need the toilet before you start a feed!).

How about when your baby sleeps in your arms, is that a bad habit too? Have a think about how you sleep best and when you don’t. I bet you don’t sleep so well in an unfamiliar environment or when you don’t feel able to relax. Maybe you don’t sleep so well when your partner isn’t beside you.

We sleep best when we feel safe, can relax and don’t have things on our mind. The majority of parents find their baby sleeps so much better and longer in their arms. Although your moses basket or crib looks beautiful and you would love to have an adult size version, to your baby it feels big, cold and scary. Not the warm, soft, cosy space they have got used to in your tummy. As they come out of one sleep cycle they might not make it to the next one if they start to feel unsettled in an unfamiliar place. If they come out of the sleep cycle in your arms they are relaxed and safe to go in to the next one and the nap is longer.

Contact naps can be amazing, baby sleeps longer, you have to sit and rest but as time goes on it can be a bit of a challenge to get anything done. At this point the sling can be a life saver. You can still do a contact nap but you can be hands free pottering about the house doing your jobs.

So is your baby’s need to be close to you a bad habit? Absolutely not! It is a basic survival need and the most natural thing in the world. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard work, exhausting for you and takes up more time than you thought possible but what it does mean is that it is ok to follow your instinct and respond to your baby. No bad habits and no rods for your back.

When I reflect on this I think about my own children, no longer babies, but I really hope they have developed the ‘habit’ of knowing I will be there for them if they are upset. Whether it is a cut knee, a bad dream, feeling unwell or the multitude of teenage issues; I want my children to know I am a safe place, somewhere they can relax, that I can help them manage the big feelings and that I will always be there when they need me. I really can’t see how anyone would see that as a bad habit in children, or in an adult friend or partner. So why would our tiniest, most vulnerable be any different or need to learn any different?

Beth x