When you have a baby, sleep becomes an all consuming matter. Most new parents are talking about it, searching the internet for information, worrying about it and wishing they knew the magic formula for everyone getting more of it.
Something that will likely come up in the chat rooms or with your friends and family are the ‘bad habits’ that are causing all your problems. This could be the fact that your baby feeds to sleep, or you rock them, or they sleep in your arms or your bed.
The reality is that the majority of babies need some help with sleep, they just aren’t able to fall asleep by themselves or go back to sleep if they stir in the night. It’s something that comes with time – it’s developmental rather than being something you can rush and teach before your baby is ready.
When babies are new they tend to fall asleep feeding. If you are breastfeeding this is helped by hormones in your milk as well as sucking being soothing and tiring (you might find a dummy works in the same way). But however your baby gets their milk, a full tummy and being held in someone’s arms is the best recipe for a nap. If your baby is unsettled, chances are you rock them or walk around holding them. This usually works well to calm, settle and help them sleep because the rocking and swaying is a familiar sensation from the womb. So while your baby is getting used to the new sensations of the world and learning all about sleep, the familiar movements of you rocking or them sucking are what they need to sleep.
So what are bad about things that help your baby sleep? Why don’t we want them to be habits? I think for lots of parents it is a fear that you start something and are stuck with it. That it becomes such a habit that you can’t stop or do anything else. And whilst that may be true it can be hard to see the future when your baby is still quite little. When you are thinking about how you can avoid the bad habits with your one week old baby because you don’t want to still be feeding or rocking a (insert an age here!) month old to sleep it’s easy to forget that a week old baby is very different – you can’t really use anything to else to help them sleep. When your baby is older there are lots of other things to help them sleep, they are in a very different place in terms of what they understand and are capable of.
Before we move from the idea of bad habits to thinking what you can do when the time is right to do something different have a think about yourself. What do you do before sleep? I bet you have a bedtime routine, some habits you do every night before you sleep. It might not seem significant but checking the doors, cleaning your teeth, reading a book, having a warm drink, cuddle with your partner, are all habits you have before bed. Nothing wrong with any of them but they all tell your body its sleep time and you can relax. Having familiar cues and a bedtime routine aren’t a bad thing but they need to be things that are sustainable for you and that you feel comfortable with. Rocking a 2 year old to sleep is a big ask for your arms and back!
Then, where do sleep best? I think we can all acknowledge that we sleep better in a place we feel safe and can relax. Think about the difference in how you sleep in your own bed with your partner next to you (snoring excepted!) compared to how you sleep in a strange place or when you have a lot on your mind. When you are listening to strange noises in the night or wondering if the hotel room door is properly locked you don’t sleep as well. And so, it’s natural that babies sleep better where they feel safe and relaxed – your arms, or very close by. So this is completely normal and expected behaviour.
When the time is right, how can you change sleep habits?
Well, not quickly! If you are taking away one thing that helps your baby sleep you need to be prepared to replace it with something else. You need to take the time to create a new habit and then take time to phase out the old one and replace it.
I first came across this from Lyndsey Hookway who talks about habit stacking. Stack the habits up and gradually withdraw them. So if your intention is to stop breastfeeding to sleep you add more habits so that when you gradually stop breastfeeding you continue with the other things.
Decide what you might use to replace feeding as the sleep habit, you might want to add two or three new things so you can gradually transition to something that works. Common examples would be to rock, pat, sing, ssshhhh. Say you choose to rock and pat. When you do your bedtime feed you also rock and pat baby’s back. Give it a week or two and then try to stop the feed before they are asleep but continue to rock and pat. If that seems to be working after a few days you can reduce the feed more and more until you are just rocking and patting. (Make sure your baby is still getting enough milk, this is just stopping the feed to sleep not necessarily the feed).
Once you have got to a place where rocking and patting is working, you can then gradually take one away – probably the rocking. Perhaps you just hold and pat for a few days then start trying to put your baby down earlier in the process but still maintaining the patting. If it all seems to be going well work on reducing the patting and just rest a hand on your baby until eventually you don’t need that either.
As you might gather this isn’t a one day or even a one week process. It is going to take time and patience and if you are doing it this way the chances are it is because you want to make it a gentle process for your baby, encouraging the change but letting them take their time to adapt to the new cues. If at any stage it isn’t working, take a step back to where everyone was comfortable and try again in a few more days.
And don’t forget how normal it is for your baby to need help to sleep – surveys of parents consistently show that babies, toddlers and children need help falling asleep and to go back to sleep in the night. There is no right age where this changes. Some babies fall asleep on their own and sleep for long stretches from a few months old and others need support for the first few years. It isn’t a reflection of you or your baby and how well anyone is doing, they are just all different. Just as all adults are different, some sleep 8 hours barely stirring and others struggle through wakeful nights.
My final advice – if it is working for you and your baby, stick with it. Do what works today, don’t worry about 3 months or 6 months time and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. You are the best judge of what is best for you and your baby.
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