Is My Baby's Sleep Normal?

This is very much the question that every new parent has. Trying to work out what is normal when it comes to baby sleep can feel really difficult.

Society gives us a lot of different expectations and these often don't match up to what newborn sleep usually looks like. Even the friendly sounding question of ‘Are they a good baby?’ is a loaded one. What they're really asking is how well your baby sleeps, because in simple times a good baby sleeps well. In reality there are no bad and good babies, how would we define a bad baby?

Consequently, new parents can feel under a lot of pressure to try and get things right and ensure that their baby is sleeping for longer and longer periods of time as they grow. Although sometimes this pressure might be self-imposed it can still be incredibly stressful trying to do the best thing for your baby.

There is so much written about baby sleep. About how much you would expect them to sleep, about how long they can stay awake for, and about how important sleep is for their brain development. So, if your baby isn't quite following what you're reading you can easily be wondering if you need to do things differently, or maybe they're not sleeping enough for them to grow and develop as they should.

What's important to remember is that, just like adults, babies are all different and all have different sleep needs. If you know someone whose baby sleeps very differently to yours it doesn't mean that they're doing anything different, that they know the magic secret or that you're doing something wrong. You probably also know adults who sleep very differently from you, maybe some who struggle with sleep or some who seem to sleep eight hours every night completely undisturbed. You also probably know people who are great on five or six hours a night and others who need at least eight. We’re all different and so are our babies.

So, what might newborn sleep look like? Well often newborns are sleeping around 18 hours in 24. It might be a bit less, it might be a bit more; babies who are small or born a little bit early might be sleepier babies to begin with. And you can expect your baby to be waking up on average every couple of hours although they might do the odd longer spell. Usually with a newborn you would be advised to wake them up at least three hourly if they were sleeping for longer to make sure they get enough milk to grow.  

Newborns don't tend to spend a lot of time awake other than feeding and a nappy change. In 24 hours they may have a few spells where they are awake and you can interact a little bit, but often they are off to sleep again quite quickly. As they get a little bit older this shifts and they start to have slightly longer spells where they are awake, or wake windows as they are sometimes referred to. This might be the time where parents start to think about how to manage nap times and think a little bit more about having more structure and routine in their days.

Unfortunately though, babies are still all very different and although you will find books that give you ideas for routines and timings, let you know how long a nap should be or how long a wake window should be, they may just not work for your baby. When this happens it's really easy to feel like you're doing something wrong, like you're failing in some way because the books say that your baby should be able to do this and for whatever reason it isn't right for your baby. But actually that's fine because your baby is their own person and, at this point in time, that just isn't how they sleep.

Of course if they are waking a little more frequently that can be really tough on you, it's exhausting and demanding and you may feel that you really want things to change. But for your baby, this is completely normal behaviour and trying to fix something that isn't really broken is tough. Babies are waking for so many different reasons. They might be hungry, they might be hot or cold, have a dirty nappy, or just need your reassuring presence. You might not always know the reason just that your baby needs you for something.

Their tummy is tiny and needs refilling frequently because milk, particular breast milk, is digested pretty quickly. It's also quite protective for babies to wake frequently, it means they're not staying in a deep sleep for a long time and is therefore thought to be safer for them.

You might be accepting that newborns wake frequently, but that improves surely?

Maybe, but also maybe not. Baby sleep is an ever changing thing, and not in a linear direction! You will have spells of better sleep but this can change back to more wake ups, longer wake ups in the night, or shorter daytime naps. As your baby develops and learns more about the world they want to practice new skills and not miss out on things that are going on. All of this new information takes some processing and can be quite unsettling so they might also need more reassurance from you. When you have something on your mind you probably don’t sleep quite as well, you wake a bit more and don’t settle so easily. The same is true for your baby. While you might be focusing on how to manage on maternity pay, they are processing how they nearly rolled over or the dog they saw bouncing around in the park.

The best way of handling these increased wake ups is to go with it. Remembering it isn’t something you changed or that you have somehow broken your baby, just that they are in a different stage of development right now and they need you a little more. Give it a week or two and they will (hopefully!) settle back to where they were.

Is your baby’s sleep normal? Usually the answer is yes! Just because your baby wakes more or doesn’t nap as long as another baby doesn’t mean they aren’t ‘normal’ in their sleep or that you aren’t getting it right. If you are in a place where things feel tough with frequent waking and not enough sleep for you, it might be worth chatting to someone to see if there are things you can tweak but it is definitely worth looking at how to maximise your own sleep. Call on family or friends or find a postnatal doula who can help you out so you can nap or rest when you need it. Whatever is happening it isn’t for ever, it is always a phase – sometimes a longer, harder phase but always one with an end.

And when it feels tough to respond to your baby every time, to get up again in the night, remember you are doing the best thing you can to be there for them so they learn to trust you and strengthen your attachment and connection. You are their safe person and being there when they need is so important.

Lastly, the most helpful thing I read on sleep when my first was little was, whose problem is this? Is it yours, your friend’s, your mum’s? If it feels ok for you but not to those around you, you are the one who matters!

Beth x

If you are looking to make changes to your baby’s sleep I always recommend looking for a Holistic Sleep Coach. They have great training and look at the bigger picture of your day to day and family life. For any sleep coach/trainer you consider make sure you understand the methods they work with and what happens if something isn’t working for you and your baby. You don’t want to pay lots of money to be given a plan you won’t ever implement because it uses techniques that don’t feel right to you.

No form of sleep ‘training’ is recommended before 6 months but you might find ways to change your day or your bedtime routines that work better.