Finding Your Rhythm - Parenting Your Way

When you have your first baby it often takes you by surprise how much your life can be disrupted. You might be fully expecting lots of changes, not so much sleep, maybe even aware that your days and nights might be a little bit turned upside down, but nothing really prepares you for the reality of how different this tiny little person is going to make your life.

Even though they might sleep for lots of time and in fact do little more than feed and sleep, somehow they still completely take over your life in a very unpredictable way.

For some new parents this can be even more challenging. If you're someone who thrives on routine and managing your time with a very organised life. It can be incredibly difficult to settle into a new life where this tiny person seems to have all the control and you just can't second guess what's going to happen or when. You can't make plans, you can't eat or sleep, or do any of the things that you'd quite like to do at the times that you would like to do them.

So you might be feeling that you need to establish some kind of routine, and some parents are really keen to get this in place quite quickly after baby arrives. The reasons for this could be because you want to establish that routine for you, or you feel that the routine will make life run smoother, or it might be because you feel that routine is an important factor for your baby and that they will thrive if you have a consistent routine for them.

It is also quite likely that you will have had advice from other people, either those in your real life, your friends and family, or maybe things you've seen online, read in books. But chances are you have seen stuff out there about routines for babies. Maybe even the importance of routine for getting a good night's sleep, that's quite popular! And of course everyone with a newborn is looking for the way to get a good night's sleep so if a particular routine or doing things in a certain way is promising you that, you'll probably be keen to give it a go.

What becomes really difficult with this when you try to follow a routine with a newborn, is that it can become really quite stressful. Your baby might not quite be clued up on the routine and it's very difficult to feed or to get them to sleep, or not be asleep, at times when they are not naturally feeling that that's what they need to be doing. They really are quite simple little creatures, and if they need to feed, they need to feed. If they need to sleep then they're going to fall asleep and it's actually quite difficult to do anything different.

So when you try to follow a routine, whether it's quite a strict one or whether you’re following something a little bit more relaxed; if it's not quite working out for you and your baby that can make things feel trickier for you. You start to think about why it isn’t working. Why can you and your baby not make this work? There is some evidence out there to suggest that the sort of routines we see commonly in books or online actually maybe lead to more postnatal depression and anxiety because, as a parent, if your baby doesn't follow what the book tells you they should be doing you start to wonder why not. Obviously you're never going to blame your baby for not following the routine, so it's clearly got to be something that you're not getting right. And if the routine has convinced you that this is the way to do things, it becomes really stressful and hard for you when it's not working out.

One thing that new parents pretty much all have in common is overthinking. Literally everything you do, every decision you make about your baby, you are probably overthinking. Even down to why are they crying, are they hungry, should they have slept for a little bit longer, did you wake them up, should you have woken them up? All those things just play around in our mind as we worry about whether or not we're getting things right or wrong for our babies.

The reality is, of course, that newborn babies are really pretty simple. They don't need a lot from us, they need to be cared for, they need to be loved, they need to be fed, they need their cuddles and nappy changes, but actually they just need to be allowed to adapt to the world. Their adaptation to the world is huge there are a lot of differences for them to figure out and in those first few days, weeks and months and the best way for them to figure those things out is to be close to you and for you to just respond to all of their needs, whenever and whatever that may be.

It might feel a bit wrong if you're not doing something really specific or scientific, that you're not following a programme. It might seem a little bit too out of your control if you just follow your baby. As adults we feel like we need to teach them about the world, we need to parent so that they develop into the little people that we want them to be. Absolutely that will come with time but first we need to meet them where they are, and where they are is quite often not ready for routines.

What this means is that actually the easiest way to navigate through this newborn phase is to be able to switch off from all that external noise. To try and relax enjoy your baby and go with their rhythm. This might not be about routine, it might not be about having to feed at 8:00 and nap at 9:00 but it is about following their daily rhythm. Within those first few months you might start to see this, some babies more so than others. You start to recognise that there's a bit more of a pattern to your day. That your baby feeds, they have napped, they're a little bit more alert. It might not be the same time every day but it will probably be the same gaps, the same intervals between feeds or nap times that you roughly start to see emerging maybe from a couple of months onwards. But even if you don't, if your baby stays a little bit unpredictable, that's absolutely fine it's not a bad thing for them it might make life a little bit trickier for you if this is the time where you want to start going out and joining classes or meeting up with people but for your baby it's absolutely fine.

Over those first months you might start to put things in place to try and help your baby settle into their rhythm. You might have different things that you do every day at bedtime. A little routine, whether it's a massage or a bath, cuddles in a dark room, you might read a little story. Or you might make a big deal about Good Morning! Opening the curtains, letting them know that this is the start of the day. All these things are great for starting to set up their circadian rhythm, their body's natural rhythm. With that, over time, will come more rhythm and structure to your day.

Some babies who are cruising through their first months in their own way. You feel there's no rhyme or reason, you can't figure out what's likely to come next, everything is different every day. Sometimes that pattern, the rhythm to the day, starts to fall into place more as they get a little bit older and you start to introduce food. Around six months when you start introducing meal times, that may be a time that you start to get a little bit more regular in what's going on in your days.

Recently I've had a few second time mums sharing with the first time mums in class that the biggest thing they're doing differently with their second baby is to not stress about sleep. To not obsess about nap times and wake windows, to trust the process, to know that it will happen. That gradually their baby’s sleep will change, and even if you get to a good place the chances are it won't stay there. But they're seeing the bigger picture because they know that their baby, their older one, does actually sleep. But what they learned was that it didn't really make that much difference what they did in those early months and all the stress, all the worry that they had, all the trying of so many different things, didn't particularly help other than it causing them more anxiety.

I know it isn't easy. I know you want to do the absolute best for your baby, and I know you want to be getting it right. But, if you're able, the best thing you can be doing for yourself and for your baby is just to watch them. Not worry about the clock, not worry about what happened yesterday, not thinking about what's going to happen in a month or two. Just meeting your baby where they are today and managing the needs that they have just now. If you're able to get out and about, meeting up with other mums is perfect because they will be able to reassure you, understand where you are and you can share these times together. But don't feel you need to follow every single thing that someone says is working for them. If it's working for them, fantastic but if it doesn't feel right or doesn't seem like something you'd want to do, you certainly don't need to.

Enjoy your baby, don't let your stress or your worry take away from these early weeks and months together.

Beth x