Pregnant again - with added toddler!

Most of the women I speak to find such a difference between a first and a subsequent pregnancy. Not so much the symptoms and niggles (although they can be very different too!) but the mindset, the juggling and, frankly, remembering you are pregnant.

 In your first pregnancy you are usually really focused on the pregnancy. You know how many days and weeks you are, when your next appointment is coming up, what size your baby is this week, and how they are developing.

You are probably working full time throughout but come home and collapse on the sofa for the evening. Weekends are spent napping and getting the list of things you need to buy organised. Or maybe a bit of redecoration and rearranging of furniture to make space for a nursery.

Chances are that a good few weeks before your due date you have pretty much everything ready; hospital bags are packed, clothes washed and neatly put away, nappies ready and waiting and, of course, cot and pram assembled. You’ve probably done a few practices with the car seat to make sure you both know how to fit it safely.

Second time around and it feels so different. The first big change is there is just no let up. You need to nap, you need to rest, but you also need to do a nursery pick up, food and bedtime for your toddler before you get chance to put your feet up.

Weekends are family days out, birthday parties, trips to the park and all the other wonderful, fun things you love doing – but now you just need to sleep! As your pregnancy progresses and your little one expects you to be the same and you have to say ‘I can’t run/bend/climb/insert your own struggle’. There you are with a big chunk of mum guilt. This new baby is already causing disruption to the first born and it isn’t even here yet! And this is assuming a straightforward pregnancy – what if there are complications, extra appointments, nights in hospital?

But despite the constant tiredness, nausea and back ache, you seem to keep forgetting you are pregnant. You can recall a due date but how many weeks? You can take a rough guess but you might have lost a week or two somewhere.

So many times I have had mums in class with similar due dates who rely on one another to know how many weeks they are, or know because they just had an appointment.

You are so busy with life as it is that you don’t have time to focus on the life growing. Gone are the weekly updates on size and development, you definitely know your bump is growing because you bumped it on a door frame or opened a drawer onto it but that’s about it.

Preparations are a bit low key this time. You have lots of stuff already. Depending on the age gap you might not even need a new pram or cot. The older sibling might be in line for a new bed though. But this time you know that you’ll have time to get it sorted. You just need to get the clothes and moses basket out of the loft. But maternity leave will be fine for that. Oh and the hospital bag, you might want to grab a few pads and some old pants soon.

A nursery space isn’t a priority this time – who has time for decorating right now – because you know the baby won’t be in there for months. And actually you are wondering if you need to build the cot because they might just end up in your bed anyway.  

There are lots of bittersweet moments along the way. The moments where everything just seems perfect. Your little family of 3; having a great time, loving life. What will it look like when there are 4 of you? How will relationships change, what will the dynamic be between you all, can you love another baby as much as the one you have? You might have doubts, even though you wanted a sibling for your little one you suddenly aren’t sure how it is all going to work out.

But, it’s going to be ok. It’s going to work. It might take some time for the dust to settle and the older sibling might have some tough times but in amongst the exhaustion and the tantrums there will be some moments to melt your heart. The cuddles they share, fetching you a nappy, letting you know the baby is crying (you can totally hear it!), playing babies with a doll, showing them toys and books. And as they grow you see them play, make memories, form habits and learn together. Yes, you will also see them fight over toys, compete in the park and disagree over which colour cup they want today, but in the midst of it all those special moments shine.

You quickly learn there is enough love for everyone. That although life is crazy and you aren’t sure if you’ll ever sleep again, of course you made the right choice. The second baby has slotted right in and you can’t imagine life without them.

It turns out that the chilled approach you took to pregnancy is still there. You didn’t have time or headspace to remember how many weeks pregnant you are and now you don’t have time to google every single thing like you did the first time. Because you kind of know what you are doing with a baby. Toddlers? Still figuring that one out!

Then one day, probably a day you had a decent sleep and they are playing well together, you start to wonder what things might be like with a third………..