Breastfeeding and Sleep. Sleep and Breastfeeding. Always Together?

For lots of new parents breastfeeding and sleep are two of the biggest causes of worry. Lots of sleep advice talks about that elusive ‘drowsy but awake’ moment as being key to good sleep and there can be a lot of pressure to achieve it. For the purposes of this blog I am mainly talking about 0-3 month babies, those in the fourth trimester, although it can still be the case for older babies too.

Little babies sleep a lot. And breastfeed a lot. And mostly the two go together so if you are aiming for drowsy but awake it can be a bit tricky, and parents sometimes feel like they are trying to achieve the impossible.

And actually, they quite often are. For babies, feeding and sleep are connected. It is the most natural thing for a baby to breastfeed to sleep because of sleep inducing hormones in milk, sucking being a calming mechanism and that safe, relaxing feeling of being close to mum. In fact, it is often hard for babies not to fall asleep at the breast.

The worry is often around creating bad habits; that feeding to sleep becomes the norm and baby can only fall asleep at the breast. For many new parents, even with newborns, the worry is around getting baby to fall asleep by themselves. In reality it can be many months before your baby is developmentally able to do this (even if your friend’s baby can) and they need something to help them fall asleep in the meantime. Often breastfeeding is the easiest option when compared to walking them around or rocking them.

What do we do about this concern for babies to learn to fall asleep by themselves versus their natural instinct to feed to sleep? If you try and stop your baby feeding just as they are falling asleep to settle them in the hope they will drift off by themselves it might work. But your baby might be a little annoyed that their lovely cuddly feed was interrupted just as they were drifting off. Which means you will probably be starting again.

One thing I tell parents frequently about sleep is that if it works today, carry on. When it is no longer working for you or your baby then look to make changes. It isn’t worth worrying about what will happen in 3 months or 6 months or even a year. Just do what is right for you and your baby now. In 6 months things will have changed. Yes your baby might still love feeding to sleep but you can address that then if you need to. If it is still working for you both at 6 months then no need to make changes.

The tricky part might be when you feel it isn’t working anymore. This isn’t just about your baby. Bedtime feeds can take a long time. It can feel like you are very tied to being there for bedtime and naptimes. You might just be feeling that it would be nice to have a bit more of your evening or you might want to go out sometimes! Not working anymore isn’t just about the baby, it is about working for you too. The gentle route to moving away from feeding to sleep is to habit stack, but it can take time.

Build in more habits, yes more! While you feed your baby, pat or rub them, sing a song, rock them gently. Whatever you want to do. Gradually your baby associates that other thing(s) with feeding and with falling asleep. Then you can start to move away from feeding but keep the other habits. Over time reduce time in your arms and you do the patting/rubbing/singing/whatever with baby in their cot. Until eventually you can move away from all of them or you are left with something that feels more manageable.

If you have someone else at home who can support you, they might be able to find their own way to settle baby without you. A few nights of this can be enough to break the habit and help you move to some other way of supporting sleep.

As your baby gets older there are other things you can try to help them sleep independently. When they are still tiny your options are very limited and you are really just responding to their needs and it can be a hard battle trying to resist that.

Does ‘drowsy but awake’ even matter? Well, not really. It is great in theory to get your baby to a point where they are almost asleep and carefully pop them down in their cot to continue falling asleep by themselves. For some babies it works brilliantly but I do think they are in the minority!

To get them to that drowsy state you probably use some kind of sleep prop – feeding, rocking, walking, bouncing – and as soon as you put them down you take that away and take away the safety of your arms. Babies, like everyone else, sleep best when they feel safe and secure, where they can relax. In your arms. You are their safe place. However gorgeous and cosy their cot or crib is, it isn’t you. It doesn’t feel safe in the same way. And they know! They might be nearly asleep but they know you aren’t there. Sometimes you can use a muslin that smells of you or warm the sheets a little but the cuddly, soft warmth of your body, the reassuring sound of your heartbeat and your gentle pats or rocks suddenly stop.

One day your baby will absolutely learn to fall asleep by themselves. Until then they will need some support from you. As they grow that might be a pat or rub as they lie in their cot or it might be you being close by. Until then if breastfeeding is working then carry on!

Beth x